Your Sex Takes Me to Paradise

Bruno Mars is one of pop’s great wasted talents. The man’s got a beautiful voice and is one of the best writers of melody around. But his lyrics are crap. And since, for reasons I don’t understand, in order to be taken seriously a singer has to write his or her own lyrics.

It wasn’t always like this- Brian Wilson and Elton John both famously hired lyricists and no one faults them for it. Or maybe Bruno has something to say with his lyrics, in which case, I really hope he finds another line of work. Or maybe he just makes more money for writing his own songs, and no one besides me seems to be complaining.

Now I could talk all day about that creepy Grenade song, or the one about how he’s a man because he walks around nude in his own house. But it wasn’t until his newest song Locked Out of Heaven, that I realized what really bugged me about him. He reminds me of Sting. I HATE STING.

Before the internet, I thought I was the only person who thought that Every Step You Take was the creepiest stalker anthem ever. But no one ever comments on Roxanne. Read these:

I loved you since I knew ya
I wouldn’t talk down to ya
I have to tell you just how I feel
I won’t share you with another boy
I know my mind is made up
So put away your make up
Told you once I won’t tell you again it’s a bad way

I copied those off one of those lyrics sites, so I can’t vouch for the accuracy of the last line, and I’m not subjecting myself to that stupid song if I don’t have to. Look what he’s saying here though- “I wouldn’t talk down to ya… told you once I won’t tell you again…” He says he’s not going to talk down to her.. and then talks down to her.. And I’ve never met Roxanne so maybe she likes her job. Or she doesn’t see any other career opportunities that pay as well. Or maybe creepy Sting isn’t the catch he thinks he is.

At any rate, this is Bruno, and some of the worst lyrics you’ve ever read:

You bring me to my knees
You make me testify
You can make a sinner change his ways
Open up your gates cause I can’t wait to see the light
And right there is where I wanna stay

Open up your gates cause I can’t wait to see the light? Does this woman have a flashlight in her vagina? Make room woman, because Bruno is moving in permanently.

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4 comments

  1. I feel it may be only fair to mention ‘when i was your man’ which has great lyrics though i must agree that his melody writing is phenomenal, particularly phenomenal.

    1. That’s a pretty song, but I don’t know if I’d say they’re great lyrics. They’re alright. He’s got such a beautiful voice I wish it were put to better use, because he could be on Steve Wonder’s level if it were.

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