My first pet was a rabbit. I didn’t get laid until I was like 19. COINCIDENCE? Salon doesn’t think so. I initially ignored this story as one of those dumbass personal essays that Salon tries to pass off as interesting. Salon publishes a lot of crap. Mostly crap really, I don’t even know why I click on it anymore. But I read this response on Jezebel, and I was slightly amused at the response.
Just to save you the trouble of clicking through it’s a post about a guy who believes he can’t get laid because of his pet rabbit. He’s trying to be tongue-in-cheek, but I am not fooled.
I’ve had friends who talked my ear off with “I’m a nice guy, why don’t girls like me BLAH BLAH BLAH.” So far no one’s blamed it on a rabbit though. I guess that’s a new one.
I don’t know man. I’m a nice guy, why can’t I play baseball like my hero Tony Gwynn?
There’s no reason to listen to these dudes because they’ll drag you down man. When I was young the last thing I wanted was some Negative Nelly hanging around causing repelling women and now I’m old and I don’t need to be hanging around people who haven’t figured out something the rest of us figured out 20 years ago.
Dudes who are upset about not getting attention from girls and are bringing up their alleged niceness are ALWAYS pining after some girl who is waaaay too hot for them. It’s always true. It could be a Law of Physics.
OH FUCK I JUST READ THE RABBIT GUY STORY AND HE’S FROM SAN DIEGO
Now I just know I’m going to run into the rabbit guy somewhere. Shit.
Anyway, here’s the thing I tell these dudes now- Lower your standards.
You’re a desperate creeper… find a desperate creeper woman, they exist!*
You’ve got an unmanly pet? Find a woman who goes on dates with her pet monkey! Hope to God it doesn’t rip your face off!
Seriously, all that stuff other people say about working out, getting a haircut, learning to brush your teeth is just too much work. Find a woman as lame as you are and make peace with it. I don’t know why this is even hard.
While I’m on the subject i had a friend tell me in all seriousness
“If I ever get married I am going to insist that my wife shaves her pussy every day.”**
Yes, and when I am playing right field for the Padres I am going to insist that everyone refer to be as the Father Baseball.
*OH BOY DO THEY
**Would it surprise you to hear that the dude had been single for years at that point? No, of course not.